Category Archives: Humor

The Love Fern

This is the story of how one little tiny measly fern brought me to the brink of crazy.

Okay, let’s be honest, it pushed me over the brink.

And into the street.

New Love Fern. In the street. Lonely, sad, but keeping traffic company.

A fern. Some cars. A little snow (yes from last weekend). One great story.

Now I’m just getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning. The day The Boy’s ex-girlfriend saw How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days is the day she bought The Boy a love fern. It was a cute gesture, that combined pop culture (I’ll high five her there) with sass and was a perfect way to symbolize their everlasting love.

Which, fortunately for me, didn’t last.

But the fern did.

And the day I learned this ex-love fern existed was the day I started plotting its demise. Because I’m a girl. And we’re crazy. Don’t lie, you’d do it too.

I bribed his roommate to quit watering it when The Boy would take a two week business trip out of town. I accidentally fed it red wine or diet coke when I had a little left over in my glass. This little ex-love fern was on its last leaf.

Which led me to the grand idea of surprising him with a replacement love fern.

If you just threw up in your mouth, I forgive you, that’s the cheesiest part of the story, I promise.

Helpful hint: when attempting to buy something new to replace something that’s held strong for years, the replacement has to be cooler than the original. Cheap plasticy-looking replacement love ferns will not do the trick. They will end up sitting on the table next to the cooler more real deal ferns. Which will really make the replacement look jankety and will inspire no one to get rid of anything.

Noted.

What will get rid of a love fern? Finding out that it has accidentally been over-watered and has been sitting in one large puddle on top of one very fancy dinning room table… all night long.

Yes, that’s how the plant ended up in the street. Yes, he chucked it out the back door, clearing 30 feet of back yard and where it landed in the gutter. Yes, there were choice words from The Boy’s mouth in the loudest reaction I’ve seen from him in the last year.

It was totally and completely amazing.

But it was totally and completely amazing with my love fern.

I mean, was I hurt that my love fern was the one accidentally over-watered that got chucked out the door? Sure. Was I unhappy that the ex-love fern was still sitting happily on the living room table? Sure. Was I sad that my plan had failed and I was ready to accept defeat because I’m a rational adult who knows how to control her overemotional girl responses?

Man I’d like to say yes.

But we all know better. There may have been threats to chuck the ex-love fern out the door myself. Which I think was really just a grown up way to clearly and evenly tempered tell him how much I loathed that other fern and I wanted it to die.

Okay, maybe I lied a little. I’m still a totally over reacting crazy woman. Whoops.

And when I found out early this week (thanks roommate!) that The Boy had dumped the ex-love fern into the trash was there was rejoicing in all of the lands? Yes.

Did people everywhere start singing “Ding dong the fern is dead?!”

If ‘people everywhere’ can mean just little-old-me? Then yes.

You’ll be happy to know that this story has a happy ending. I’ve promised to take him plant shopping, so he’ll be able to water an attractive long lasting plant he really likes that I’ve given him. And not some trashy ex-girlfriend perfectly nice stranger.

In summary, this is a story of how a plant drove me into being a total and complete lunatic in the name of love. But really, I think that Kate Hudson would applaud my efforts. In fact, I feel a tribute movie night coming on.

And know, if you’ve bought someone a love fern, do the next girl a favor and take that sucker with you.

Or leave it and know she’s miserable.

Tough decision really…

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Jear Bear

We all know that I’m the most inconsistent blogger of all times. Which makes for a back log of excellent cooking successes (okay, and failures too!) and other humorous stories from my life that I’m just dying to share with you, but don’t really make the cut of ‘things to do in my day before I climb into bed.’

And then every once and awhile something happens and I think “no, this is worth dropping everything on my massive to-do list just to respond to this because it’s HILARIOUS.”

Great news people, that is exactly what has happened with Jear Bear.

NO, I don’t have some sort of new pet name for The Boy. But I DO have a new stuffed teddy bear FROM the boy.

Oh, I hope you all just took a deep intake of breath there. I wouldn’t blame you. A stuffed teddy bear? Aren’t you like 29 now? Are we not past that gross ‘I’m giving this girl a teddy bear so that she can cuddle with it and love it just like I love her’ phase?

Answer: Yes. Yes we are.

(Sidenote: If you are a 29 year old girl reading this and you like getting teddy bears. Then I’m really sorry. I’m mean. I’m cruel. I have no heart. Also, next time try asking for jewelry, seriously, its way more fun.)

So, imagine my surprise when for my birthday (reminder: my favorite day of the year) I get called to the front desk to pick up my beautiful tulips… and a very fluffy teddy bear… covered in loud obnoxious saran wrap. You know, the kind where you think “oh, I’ll just quietly smuggle this into my cube” but you can’t because it just is screaming at people every time you make the slightest move, just alerting them to the very fact that someone gave you something and everyone within walking distance to your cube should run over immediately and publicly question you about your new lovely teddy bear.

Yeah, that was a run on sentence. I know, I’m not even sorry because that’s exactly how I would have voiced this story out loud at you.

ANYWHO, here’s where the dilemma began. On one hand, I’m so exited! The Boy sent me tulips! It’s love! He cares! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

On the other hand, a teddy bear? It’s seriously a teddy bear? Do I look like the hopeless romantic type that likes teddy bears? Does my boyfriend even know me at all?

What do you do? Do you say something? Do you causally bring it up in conversation? Or do you just keep it to yourself because you’re so lucky that you have a boy that sends you tulips?

Well, you all know me, and knowing me means you just know I brought it up.

Which I did. I’d like to think gently. And here’s what I found out: The bear came with the tulips and was supposed to be the size of a beanie baby, just a small little add-on that no one would notice.

Left Hand Side: What I now own. Right Hand Side: What the Internet said I would own.

Left Hand Side: What I now own. Right Hand Side: What the Internet said I would own.

Now that’s funny. I’d like to thank you internet for unexpectedly upgrading me to something much larger than you promised. High five floral shop. Way to go. Also, WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?!?

And sure, that’s sort of funny, but even more funny is what happened when I left later that day:

Buckle up new little best friend.

Buckle up new little best friend.

Here’s the situation. I go to climb in my car to leave. Bear in hand. And I think “Oh I should totally buckle him and send a picture to The Boy.” And then I was giggling so hard as it was happening that I thought “I should post this on Instagram because the world needs to know how funny I am this is.” And while posting, I was like, this guy obviously needs a hashtag of his own…

And so began: #adventureswithjearbear

This means:

  1. My new little friend has a name.
  2. I call him my new little friend (Yes, I appreciate that’s a serious change within the span of the afternoon. I’m a girl. We’re crazy. Back off.).
  3. I find it hilarious to bring him in public and to take pictures and post them.

Yeah, true story. So recently, you may have seen Jear Bear:

Wearing an ironic beard at Hipster themed Young Life Club.

Wearing an ironic beard at Hipster themed Young Life Club.

There were freshman boys just holding him at club. Just because he was there. It was adorable. Also, hilarious. Also, he made it into the skit. Jear Bear = Famous.

Eating Tacos at Taco Tuesday!

Eating Tacos at Taco Tuesday!

Don’t worry, he was using a fork and wearing a napkin to make sure he didn’t get dirty.

And tonight, Jear Bear will be rock climbing.

No. I don’t know how that will work.

Yes. I think it’s hilarious.

And all of this because The Boy was thoughtful enough to send a stuffed teddy bear. Which, my reaction to said bear has potentially created a new ‘thing’ we have. Please Good Lord, do not let me receive a stuffed animal as a present ever year. Even if it’s ironic. Because I don’t really think it’s romantic. Just hilarious.

Here’s to you Jear Bear (again, only the name of the teddy bear, I repeat, this is not a pet name for The Boy). Can’t wait to see what adventures lie in store…

 

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FRIDAY… FRIDAY… GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY…

Someone mentioned this video yesterday because it was Thursday, Thursday. Today it is Friday. Friday.

And I thought, what’s a better way to look forward to the weekend then to kick it off by partying partying with …

rebeccablack

The Rebecca Black Friday video.

I’ve missed it.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I missed it.

In fact, I absolutely just considered purchasing it and making it my alarm ring tone. I mean, how cheerful is that to wake up to?

Answer: Super Cheerful.

(Don’t worry roommate and/or anyone else that ever might share my sleeping space and fun visitors. I didn’t.)

So I’m very sorry if you’ve seen this and you instantly closed your browser for fear that you would have that song stuck in your head for the rest of the weekend. Because it’s Friiiiiiiiiiiday. Friday. And you’ve just gotta get down on Friday…

Fun. Fun. Fun. Looking forward to the weekend.

How terrible. And awesome. Seriously – how did that become a thing? High five Rebecca Black. Way to hit viral video fame. We we we so excited.

Happy Friday people.

Oh – And if you’re confused, just remember, it’s like Rebecca Black says. Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.

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GENTLE GENTLE LAP DOG…

You're laughing right? Or if you're not, then you've clearly never been to my house...

You’re laughing right? Or if you’re not, then you’ve clearly never been to my house…

This is for any of you who have ever been to my house before.

(Or to those lucky few who have had the opportunity to dog sit – I’m looking at you Knife Girl)

Thank you to the lovely Jessica for sending this my way. Her dogs may not have K beat in size… but she does have two…

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Oh the snooze button…

This made me laugh. Especially following a really really tough adjustment week because of that dang daylight savings time jump.

Amen.

Amen.

And felt right following a “hey I almost torched my apartment on accident” post.

Happy Saturday friends.

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